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Friends Unsure How Nine-Hour Festival Prevented Man from Showering for Three...
ATLANTA — Georgia man Scott Stevens claimed today that the festival he’s attending has somehow prevented him from showering since Wednesday, despite the festival being only nine hours long, close...
View ArticleHaunted Punk House Terrifying for Whole Other Slew of Reasons
WILKES-BARRE, Pa. — A punk house haunted by multiple ghosts is terrifying visitors who dare to cross its threshold for an entirely different set of reasons than the otherworldly forces that dwell...
View ArticleAging Punk Eyes Cute, Single Chair at Bar
TUCSON, ARIZ. — Aging punk John “The Don” Bergeron excitedly eyed a single, empty chair during a show at McCluskey’s Saloon last Friday evening, several witnesses confirmed. The exhausted 35-year-old...
View ArticlePop-Punk Frontman Reunited with Girlfriend After Performing at 18+ Show
TULSA, Okla. — Saving Daylight frontman Jason Hill was successfully reunited with his girlfriend Kelsie Tanner late yesterday evening after the 18+ show she was prevented from entering had ended,...
View ArticleStandard for Good Song on Radio Considerably Lowered by Minute 25 of Road Trip
KENOSHA, Wis. — Accidental researcher Justin Greer found that the standard for a “good song” on the radio drops considerably after only 25 minutes, during an independent study conducted on a two-hour...
View ArticlePunk Cousin Wondering What Time Dinner Supposed to Go On
RICHWOOD, W. Va. — Local punk Jesse Hallenbeck asked her family today what time Christmas dinner is supposed to go on at her grandma’s house later this evening, multiple sources report. Hallenbeck, who...
View ArticleD.R.I. Logo Takes Silver in 5000-Meter Men’s Speed Skate Event
PYEONGCHANG, South Korea — D.R.I.’s legendary “Skanker Man” logo was awarded the Olympic silver medal in the men’s 5000 meter speed skate event yesterday afternoon, making it the first band logo to...
View ArticleSeasonal Depression No Match for Number Mom Did on Local Woman
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local woman Poppy Kellison’s symptoms of seasonal depression were dismissed as “nothing” yesterday when compared to the emotional havoc wreaked upon her psyche by her mother over the...
View ArticleOptimistic Aging Punk Sees Tour as Half Over
CHICAGO — Aging punk and self-described optimist John “The Don” Bergeron has chosen to view his band’s current Midwestern 12-stop tour as “half over,” a source confirms. “The way I see it, there are...
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4 DIY Haircuts That’ll Have People Saying “I Didn’t Realize You Guys Broke up”
You’re creative, fun, a little quirky, so why spend money to have a stupid “trained professional” cut your hair? DIY haircuts are all the rage right now and for good reason! Who wants to spend upward...
View ArticleNYHC Added to List of Myers-Briggs Personality Types
GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Authorities at the Myers & Briggs Foundation added the NYHC category to their list of possible personality types earlier this week, organization officials confirmed. The...
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Friends Unsure How Nine-Hour Festival Prevented Man from Showering for Three...
ATLANTA — Georgia man Scott Stevens claimed today that the festival he’s attending has somehow prevented him from showering since Wednesday, despite the festival being only nine hours long, close...
View ArticleHaunted Punk House Terrifying for Whole Other Slew of Reasons
WILKES-BARRE, Pa. — A punk house haunted by multiple ghosts is terrifying visitors who dare to cross its threshold for an entirely different set of reasons than the otherworldly forces that dwell...
View ArticleAging Punk Eyes Cute, Single Chair at Bar
TUCSON, ARIZ. — Aging punk John “The Don” Bergeron excitedly eyed a single, empty chair during a show at McCluskey’s Saloon last Friday evening, several witnesses confirmed. The exhausted 35-year-old...
View ArticlePop-Punk Frontman Reunited with Girlfriend After Performing at 18+ Show
TULSA, Okla. — Saving Daylight frontman Jason Hill was successfully reunited with his girlfriend Kelsie Tanner late yesterday evening after the 18+ show she was prevented from entering had ended,...
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